Dealing With the Way Things Are – Changing Your BUT to an AND
Have you ever been SO engrossed in your own fury, your own irritation regarding a situation, YOUR OWN REACTION, that your perception got distorted? Your perception changes the way you are able to deal with the way things really are. Maybe one of these situations has sparked a reaction in you: the doors to the plane close just as you are running toward the gate; it rains on your trip to Sedona…you know, the sure-bet vacation you planned in a place where it NEVER rains; or your leftover meal from your favorite restaurant – the one you were looking forward to all day to have for tonight’s dinner, was eaten by somebody else.
Surely you’ve heard the phrase “is your glass half empty or half full?” Well, when you lose “your power”, you lose your capability, your perspective, because you become a slave to your own reaction – the glass will definitely be half empty.
Some of the things that get in our way are:
- We focus on the “shoulds” instead of the what is. By getting attached to what should have happened instead of the reality, we give away our ability to reason and act effectively. “It shouldn’t be raining in Sedona, it never rains here, we’re going to have a miserable time, our vacation is ruined.” And…it probably will be.
- We make a quick exit when the going gets tough. Often when we are in the midst of a situation that is painful, draining, or tough, we make a run for it. We leave the scene so we don’t have to deal with the pain. Emotional maturity is developing and flexing the muscles that allow us to stay, endure, and deal with a situation – to do the “heavy lifting” . Why bother? Well, we get strong, and the opportunity to author our own life.
- We also apply judgment. Suspend the desire, the need, to apply judgment to every situation that doesn’t go our way. For instance, although you may be lamenting how BAD it is that it’s raining in Sedona while you are vacation, it might be GOOD for nature, the trees and wildlife to get the needed water. It’s not all about you.
- We let abstractions become our reality. Let’s just say you have “experienced” two back-to-back rainy vacations – your reality becomes “every time we go on vacation it rains”. Wallowing in this kind of thinking paralyzes us in living our lives to the fullest and experiencing every moment as it is….fully.
By dealing with the way things really are, we are free to find the good in the situation and handle it accordingly. Start by replacing your “but” with an “and”. OLD: “We would have had fun in Sedona, but it was raining…we were miserable.” NEW: “We went to Sedona and it was raining…so we decided to hike through the mountains anyway and see nature at its best – the colors were saturated and lush.”
Resistance to a given situation robs us of our ability to ask the question, “How do I move forward? or “What do I want to happen now?” When we get caught up in blaming and not dealing, we short-change ourselves from enjoying so much life. Acceptance gives us that power back.
By the way, I really did go on a trip to Sedona in the rain. We hiked 5 miles to our campsite…in the rain. We set up tents…in the rain. We were miserable…in the rain. And then, something happened – well, it did for me anyway, I decided I wanted to have a good time. I accepted the situation for what it was…because, like it or not, it was raining! We swam, went on exploration hikes, played games, laughed at the great stories we would tell at future parties about this crazy weekend, and even crafted a make-shift awning for ourselves to protect our fire. Just as we decided to accept our fate, the rain stopped, and the sunshine smiled on us.
It's interesting that you use the example of raining on a trip to Sedona. On our first vacation together, my (now)husband and I went to Arizon so I could meet his son. He wanted to take us on a Pink Jeep tour in the mountains. It was sunny when we left Tuczon but by the time we got to Sedona it was miserable..rain, sleet, more rain. The last thing I wanted to do was go out in a jeep in the cold rain and look like a drowned rat to my "boyfriend" and his son. Then he remembered that he had a rainsuit in his golfbag that I could use..grrreeeaaat!! :(
I put on the oversized suit and off we went. It was one of the most spectacular experiences ever..and a more interesting memory.
Maybe it's not the sure bet place that it won't rain but I agree that you can always make it an experience to remember.